Curious Little Milo

Milo was a curious little boy.  He was always getting into mischief.  If he smelled freshly baked chocolate chip dream cookies, his nose would lead him around the house until it found the source.  Then, when his big sister Kylo wasn't looking, Milo's nose would lead his hand up, up, into the jar, where it would snatch a cookie or two and carefully bring them back down and into his mouth.  Both at the same time!  He was sneaky like that.

If his ears heard some strange sort of scratches, Milo would tilt his head and shuffle his way out of the house and into the yard.  His feet would scurry this way and that, with his ear twitching and itching itself towards the source.  When it finally settled on the fence, Milo would peer through the slots in the boards to see Mr. Humphrey sawing on some boards.  Mr. Humphrey loved fixing things.  He fixed his shed, then when he accidentally burned it down in an unfortunate barbecue accident, he built it back up again.  On those hot days, Mr. Humphrey loved drinking lemonade.  The good thing for Milo was that he also loved Lemonade.  When Mr. H wasn't looking, Milo would slither over the fence like a sneaky snake, and sneak a couple of quick sips from his cup.

While watching tv with his dad, Milo loved feeling the cushiness of the fluffy pillows piled high on the couch.  His fingers would investigate the corduroy grooves, and would scratch at them until it sounded like fingers strumming on an old, beat up banjo.  Zuppy, zup, zup.  Zuppy, zup, zup.

So, you see, Milo was quite keen on being aware of what was going on around him.  This came in handy one deep, dark, night.

One deep, dark, night, while Milo was sleeping in his bed, a splash of light began to shine across the wall in his room.  Now, an ordinary boy his age would have just kept on sleeping, but Milo had the sense that something was going on and his eyes flicked open.  To his amazement, just above his head, some little lightning bugs were dancing a jig.

"Hey, what are you bugs doing in here?"

"Excuse us, sir, but we were under the impression that you were fast, fast asleep.  We did not mean to wake you."

"Mmm, that's okay.  But why are you in here and not outside?"

"Oh, it is because your wall is the perfect wall for jig dancing."

Milo squinted as he looked up to the wall.  He didn't realize it until now, but the wall was definitely the perfect light dancing wall.  It was big and white and... and, well that was all.  No posters, no pictures, no shelves or switches.  Just a big, blank wall.

"We love your wall because it is so clean.  So pure.  It allows us to dance and sway our lights all through the room.  Let us show you what we mean."

Milo sat up as the bugs moved into their starting positions.  There were 6 of them, and they all fluttered their way into the centre of the room.  They held hands, but Milo could barely see this as their lights all slowly dimmed down until there was hardly any light at all.  Milo was just about to point this out to them when suddenly BANG!  Their lights boomed on all as one, casting a circular beam across the room and onto the wall.  Their formation tilted and turned as the circular light turned and transformed into different shapes and sizes.

Milo was amazed.  The light seemed to be alive.  One moment it looked like an ordinary circle, the next it resembled a pizza with a piece being taken out of it.  Suddenly it was a T-Rex on the wall, clawing towards Milo, who jumped back under the covers of his bed.  The bugs saw this and they immediately turned the T-Rex into a puppy dog.  With Milo still cowering under the covers, the bugs began to bark and pant.

Milo peaked out and then, when he saw the light puppy, he laughed and laughed.  The puppy leaned on the wall towards Milo and tried to nip at his ear.  Milo giggled, as even though the light could obviously not touch his ear, just the thought of it made it tickle.

Finally, the bugs formed a circle again.  They twisted, up, up, up until they hovered just beneath the ceiling, then bam!  They all scattered and faded away.  It was so dark now that Milo wasn't sure if they were still in his room.

"Um, you bugs still here?"

"Yes, sir!" a voice rose from the dark.

"Do you guys think you could do that again? Or maybe you could show me another jig?"

"Oh, I don't think so."  Said the lead bug.  "We must get going soon."

"Oh, please... just maybe one tiny little bit of another dance?"

"Well, okay.  But only if you tell us your name."

Milo knew he wasn't supposed to talk to strangers, but he also knew that he probably wasn't supposed to talk to Lightning bugs either, so he figured it would be okay.

"I'm Milo."

Suddenly, the bugs all lit up and formed a giant glowing hand.  It reached out to shake Milo's.

"Nice to meet ya', Milo.  My name is Ziggy.  These are my companions Miggy, Tiggy, Swiggy, Sliggy and Greg."

Milo reached up for the hand, and to his surprise he could feel the warmth of it, as if it was a real hand that belonged to someone really big, like his Dad or a giant or maybe God or something.  He gently pressed his fingers against the warmth and it felt like a nice, toasty mitten.  Not sweaty or slimy like a clam or anything.  Just a nice, warm, handshake.  Like Milo was some sort of grown up making business deals with lawyers or something.

"Ok, Milo.  we could do another dance for you, or we could sing you a song."

"Both!  Both!" cheered Milo, wheeling and dealing at his best.

"Okay, okay." conceded Ziggy.

The bugs all came to the centre of the room again.  The lights went out.  Then Milo heard a small hum.  Normal humans probably wouldn't be able to hear it, but Milo was no ordinary human.  Remember, he had sneaky ears.

The hum slowly built into a nice, dum, de-dum beat.  The lights began to glow, this time in the form of a star.  The bugs were probably screaming their words, but since they were so small, they just sounded nice and soft.  Like a lullaby.

"We sing and dance, we dance and we sing.
we glow in the dark, and the light that we bring.
Is a light that shines on down, shines on down to you.
And when our light finally dies, some sleeping you must do.
Oh.... some sleeping you must dooooooooo.  Boop, boop, be-do."

They sang it one more time....

"We sing and dance, we dance and we sing.
we glow in the dark, and the light that we bring.
Is a light that shines on down, shines on down to you.
And when our light finally dies, some sleeping you must do.
Oh.... some sleeping you must dooooooooo."

And just as Ziggy was going to lead the group into the 2nd verse about monsters and aliens, Miggy hushed them down.

For down on the bed, all cuddled up tight in his blankets, was little Milo.  All of his curious and sneaky little senses were all tuckered out.  Milo was fast asleep.

What's His Face?

This story is What's It Called.  No, that's not a question, that's what it's called.  I was trying to think of a better name, and I thought of one, but then I forgot.  So it's what's it called.  Actually, it's about What's his face, so maybe that's what I'll call it.

Now, one day What's it called was broken.  What's his face noticed that What's it called was broken because it's thing-a-ma-jiggers were scattered all over the place.  There were do-dad's up in the trees, and springy things springing all around the flower beds.  What's his face could not figure out what had happened, or what to do with What's it called.

Now, I should explain.  What's his face was a very unique boy.  He had the biggest moustache you have ever seen for such a boy.  The problem was that his name was impossible to pronounce, so impossible that I decided just to call him What's his face.

Anyway, What's his face had a big problem with What's it called because of all of the thing-a-ma jiggers and thing-a-ma-bobbers all over the place.  With all of the people walking around, staring at What's his face and all of the What's it called all over the place, What's his face could only think of one thing to do.  He picked it up and placed it in the back of the ordinary looking truck parked next to him.

Now, the ordinary looking truck was no ordinary looking truck!  It had big shiny lights in the shape and colour of a million bubble gum flavours.  It had an automatic licorice dispensing machine sitting in the back, and it had tires that sparkled with the dust of a thousand sparkly dusty things.  In short, this ordinary truck was very out of the ordinary.  It also had a driver and her name was Vanessa Ice Cream.

Once What's his face had placed What's it called inside of the ordinary van, he got out of the ordinary van and shut the door tight.  With the click of the door handle, the ordinary van started hopping and bopping down the road in quite a strange and out of the ordinary fashion.

First of all, it was driving backwards!  Second of all, the door flew open.  Third of all, What's it called fell out and spilled do-dads and thingys all over the road!

The biggest Problem was that Vanessa Ice Cream didn't notice that What's it called had fallen out!  She was too busy listening to the radio; listening to her favourite song, What's the name of that song again?  She knew every word.  You know that song, right?  It goes like this?

Do, be do be do.... Do, be do be da... something, something, something, cause I looooooooove you!

Do you know What's the name of that song again, too?  Oh, it sure is great and the words are so deep, they make me very emotional.  Such a great song!

Well, maybe too great because... remember... Vanessa Ice Cream was dancing and bopping in the ordinary truck and a rather extraordinary way, all the while the What's it called was just laying there on the ground, like a big pile of What Cha Ma Call it.

What's his face tried the best he could to help.

"Vanessa Ice Cream!  Vanessa Ice Cream!  The What's it called has fallen out of the ordinary truck!  Drive forwards and get it!  Drive forwards, will ya?!

Cause you need to remember that, at this point, the truck was going backwards.  That's what ordinary trucks do, I guess.  And this was no ordinary ordinary truck, that's for sure.

Vanessa couldn't hear him.  her favourite part of What's the name of that song again was coming up.

Do, be do be do.... Do, be do be da... something, something, something, cause I looooooooove you!

What's his face was worried.  With What's it called sitting there on the ground it was available for anyone to take.  He didn't want it to fall into the wrong hands.

But he seemed to have spoken too late, for just as What's his face was about to run after the What's it called, Mr. & Mrs. Wrong Hands had appeared from around the corner.  They were a very nice couple, been married for a long time, but they had never been able to own a What's it called.  Mrs. Wrong Hands had put it on her Birthday wish list, but Mr. Wrong Hands didn't know how to read, so he could never read it and buy one for her.

Anyway, once they saw the What's it called, The Wrong Hands ran after it.  What's his face ran too, they both ran.  They ran, ran, ran!  Who would make it first?

Well, a strange thing happened, wouldn't you know.  There must have been some springy things still left in the What's it called because just before What's his face could get to it it sprung up into the air and landed in another tree.  What's his face started to shake the tree, back and forth, and The Wrong Hands helped him as it was a very large tree.

Suddenly, the What's it called fell into the Wrong Hands Hands.  What's his face was terrified.  He was sure that the Wrong Hands would take it away and he would never see it again.

Just then, Vanessa Ice Cream came roaring back up the road, this time going forward.  There were 3 cop cars behind her, and they pulled her over.

It turned out that all they wanted was some licorice, but when they realized that What's it called had fallen into the Wrong Hands the cops told everyone to freeze!

"Is that what I think it is?"  asked the first officer, who by the way was rudely chewing loudly on his licorice.

"Yes, it is!"  Said What's his face.  "I was trying to fix it but all of the thingys and do-hickys keep falling out!"

"We've always wanted one." pleaded the Wrong Hands.

"Ha, well, and I've always wanted my very own a Something or Other but I don't think that's going to happen any time soon, now is it" responded one of the other cops.

They all agreed.  It seemed very unlikely, and unfair, that a cop could never own his very own Something or Other.

"Weph, I jus' mink tis begongs im va gushesum."

Everyone looked at the cop rudely chewing on his licorice.  He realized his rudeness, apologized, and repeated himself.

"Sorry, I just think it belongs in the museum."

Of course, thought What's his face.  The museum was the perfect place for What's it called.  That way everyone could enjoy it, and with the police officers help, it would never fall into the Wrong Hands again.

That very afternoon the whole town of Where? gathered together at the museum.  What's his face held What's it called up in the air for all to see.  Everyone cheered as he passed it over to the Mayor, Mayor Mayor, over the outstretched hands of The Wrong Hands.  The sad couple soon realized that it was for the best.  That inside the museum all could enjoy, all could celebrate... What's it called!

Brian the Lamp - a bedtime story for kids

I've been singing, reading, and acting out all kinds of performances for my kids before bedtime.  I started singing to them about 4 years ago and through the years, though I've missed many nights, I'm pretty sure I've sang them every single song I know off by heart.  

Even The Beastie Boys' Sabotage, bleeped out where it needs to be, of course.

After the songs I started a little act with their stuffed animals and called it "Puppy Songs".  The dogs would come out and tell stories and jokes.  Kind of like a variety show, but with fake animals.  I knew the trigger, the way to get my kids to laugh.  It usually had something to do with some sort of incorrect word, or the way the puppies would fall down off of the bed 'by accident' and crawl back up as a tangled mess.  Singing Oh Canada with 'barks' and 'ruffs' instead of words is another way the puppies and I could leave the boys in stitches.

Yet, eventually our act grew a little stale.  I decided to browse the Internet for some unique and fun bedtimes stories.  We discovered Gordon Dioxide and life was good for a few weeks.  His stories are straight sideways, and my boys love them.  Unfortunately, there are only so many of them.  

I searched for more good stories like Dioxide's but came up with nothing.  I'm sure there is good stuff out there, as in free and handy on the Internet, but I also thought that I should give writing up a story a shot.

Last night I tested this story on the boys, not telling them that I wrote it, and they loved it.  In fact, Jonas seemed to be shocked and amazed that I could do such a thing.  Miles responded by immediately making up a story of his own about how his dad had wrote a bedtime story.  

Anyway, here it is.  Please read it with your kids and let me know what you think.  If you are an editor or a stickler for grammar please excuse me for the flaws.

There once was a Brian named Lamp...  Wait, that's not right.  There once was a Brain named Lump.  Wait, that's not right either!  Okay, here it is in simplest form... Brian was a lamp.  There, that makes sense.

Brian was a lamp that lived on the bedside table of Charlie's Grandma.  Charlie isn't really in this story that much.  He's a really fun guy, but he just doesn't have much to say in this one.  Maybe I'll tell a story about him later.  No, this story is all about Brian the lamp, who lives on that table I was telling you about.

Now, the thing you need to know about Charlie's Grandma is that she wasn't very well.  You know, sometimes Grandmas can get sick sometimes.  For some Grandmas, getting sick can mean a long time of resting, drinking stuff like water or ginger ale, and, of course, sleeping in their bed.  Well, since Charlie's Grandma was sick, she spent a lot of time sleeping in her bed.

This was a very wise thing to do, but the problem with this was that it left Brian in the dark.  He spent a lot of time in the dark.  And for a lamp, that's not much fun.

On one particularly sicky-sick day, Charlie's Grandma was again sleeping soundly in her bed.  I say sleeping because she was in bed, but let me tell you, she was NOT sleeping.  She tossed and turned most of the time, wiggling herself back and forth trying to get comfortable and cozy.  And when I say that she slept soundly, I mean she made a lot of sounds!  She would hack and cough every few seconds, and sneeze some achoos here and there.  All the while Brian was standing there like a silly Christmas tree in the middle of July!  Brian was not needed.  Nothing to do but nothing.

And as you might already know, doing nothing all day isn't much fun.

Brian needed to find something to do.  At one point, while he was sure Charlie's Grandma was fast asleep, Brian built up enough courage to turn his light on, just for a moment.  The darkness was interrupted by an intense beam shooting straight out of Brian's nose!

And because it was his nose, and because he hadn't used his light in a long, long time, some dust had gotten into there and he felt a big sneeze coming on!  He tried and he tried to hold back the sneezer.  His light flickered and fluttered, dancing on the far wall of the room.  The temperature seemed to go up for Brian as the light shone on and on, sizzling and fizzling inside of his head.

And finally Brian couldn't hold on any longer.  As he wiggled his way to keeping it inside, the Sneeze would have none of it.

BAAA CHOOZERS!!!

With that, Brian shot off of the table and into the air.  His cord snapped free of the wall, and down he came on the cushy carpeted floor!

His light was out, and it wasn't just from the cord being out of the wall.  No, from the looks of it things were much, much worse.  You see, laying in front of Brian was his bulb, broken into a gazillion tiny pieces.  His sneeze had twisted the bulb right out of his nose!  What a disaster!

Oh, but what about Charlie's Grandma?!

Well, it just so happens that Brian didn't even hear a wiggle or a peep coming from way up on the bed.  She was finally fast asleep.

Brian got up and shook off the dangerous bulb glass.  He had to feel around with his cord as he moved through the room in the dark.  The only thing Brian could see was a long, long crack of light coming from under the door.  He shimmied and wobbled his way to the light.

He crouched down as far as he could and peered out into the hallway.  It was a pretty normal hallway, as hallways often are.  It had some doors going into other rooms, and some nice soft carpet, and some stairs way at the end of it with a big, fat cat sleeping at the top of them and some.... wait, what did I just say?!  A Big?  Fat?  Hat?  Oh, no?!  Not a hat!  A Cat!!!

Brian had some thinking to do.  Brian thought best with his bulb, but since it was broken on the floor all he could do was think of these few things he needed to do.

#1  Clean up the bulb.  He needed a broom or a vacuum.  The vacuum was probably in the closet at the end of the hall, right next to the cat!  He also needed hands to use a broom or a vacuum, but he would worry about that later.

#2  He needed to get back up on that table.  It was high!  He would need some sort of climby thingy.  What is that thing called again?  A fladder?  Bladder?  Oh, Brian was frustrated.  Without his thinking bulb he COULD NOT think of that word.  Anyway, he needed one of those things, whatever it's called.  He also needed hands to climb up that thing, but he would worry about that later.

#3 This idea came to him while thinking of what that climby thing is called.  Brian needed to escape!  He needed a way out!  With Charlie's Grandma sick all of the time, there wasn't much use for Brian here.  Brian needed a new life.  In his new life Brian would need hands, but he would worry about that later.

The big question now was, where should he start?!

However, before Brian could decide anything, things started to happen!  He heard the squeaky, creaky noise of someone coming down the hall!

Quickly, Brian scooted and tooted his way over towards the table.  There was no time!   Brian could hear the doorknob turning!  Screeeppp (That's the sound of the door opening)  Brian dropped to the floor next to the broken bulb.  He dropped to the floor just like those toy fellows did in that toy movie.  That movie about that story about those toys...  what's it called?  Brian couldn't remember.

It was Charlie at the door!  Charlie had come to check on his Grandma.  Charlie came around the side of the bed to turn on Brian's light, but of course Brian was laying on the floor.  Charlie couldn't see this and he almost stepped right on top of Brian's face!

Well, that would have been bad.  But what was just as bad was Charlie stepped right on the broken bulb with his bare foot!  Crunchhherrs!

Owezicles and pop bottles!  Charlie shouted.  He hopped back towards the door and fell into it.  The door, however, was cracked open a little bit and Charlie fell through the doorway and onto the hallway floor.  Brian couldn't do a thing.  He just lay there, thinking of poor Charlie's foot.

Suddenly, that cat came walking by.  It nuzzled up to Charlie as he sat up, rubbing his bonked head and holding his bloody foot.  In all the commotion, something unexpected happened – Charlie's Grandma woke up!

Charlie's Grandma slowly leaned up in her bed.  She reached for Brian, who wasn't there, and when she realized this a strange, puzzled look came over her face.  She fumbled around for her glasses, put them on her face, and got up to go to the bathroom across the hall.  When she saw Charlie sitting on the floor with the blood, and the bonk, and the cat, she had to ask the most obvious question any human being has ever had to ask.

What happened to you?

Charlie got up and told his Grandma that Brian's bulb was broken and he was laying on the floor, only Charlie just called Brian the lamp since lamps and humans do not interact.  His Grandma turned on the big light in the room, and everyone squinted from this brightness, even the cat.  Even that silly cat.

Charlie's Grandma helped Charlie up, and sat him down on the bed.  Brian peaked up out of the corner of his eye to see that Charlie's foot wasn't too bloody.  Just a little bit, and it was easy enough for Charlie's Grandma to grab some band aids from the bathroom and patch him up good as new!

The next thing that happened was amazing.  It was so amazing you are going to love it.  So lovely that you are going to want to kiss it.  So kissy that you are going to want to jump up and down.  So jump up and downy that you are going to just be happy.

Here's what happened.

Charlie's Grandma picked up Brian and put him back on the bedside table while Charlie went and got the vacuum from the end of the hallway.  In no time flat, the broken bulb was all cleaned up.  Charlie also brought in a shiny new bulb for Brian.  Things were happening!  Brian's "to-do" list was being checked off left, right and centre!  The floor was clean, and he was back up on the table, and he didn't even need to use a ... ladder!  That's what it's called.  Brian's bright mind was working again, thanks to his shiny new bulb.

After everything was settled, Charlie's Grandma said that she was feeling much, much better.  She asked Charlie if he thought it would be a good idea for her to get out and get some fresh air.  Charlie agreed.  However, Charlie also wanted to make a special area downstairs in the living room for his Grandma to rest and recover a bit more.  She said that sounded delightful!

So here's what Charlie did.  He grabbed his Grandma's hand, and Brian!  Why did he grab Brian?!  Well, I'll tell ya!

Charlie took his Grandma and Brian down the stairs.  He sat his Grandma on the couch and then positioned Brian up high on the shelf next to her.  He plugged him in and turned on his bulb.  The room lit up like a sunrise!  Wow, what a light!  It turned out that Brian's new bulb was 100 watts!  That's way, way, brighter than his old 40 watter.  He was a new lamp!  New ideas, new thoughts, deeper vision for his life rushed in through the bulb and into Brian's mind.

Unicycling!  Skydiving!  World Travelling!  Cookie baking!  Brian could imagine all sorts of fun adventures he could go on.  He was invigorated with new ideas.  New ways to live.  Adventure was just around the corner.  His new bulb shone down on the couch, over Grandma's shoulder and on to the magazine she had picked up, which was called Grandmas and Puppies.  It was her favourite issue.

After a few minutes, Charlie turned Brian's bulb off, helped his Grandma with her coat and shoes, and soon enough they were out the door on their walk.  For now, Brian's bulb was out, but soon enough Grandma would be back to read more about Grandmas and Puppies and all kinds of interesting things.  Brian had a new life in the living room.  Now, if only he could do something about getting some hands.

And before he knew it, not 2 feet away from Brian, Clark the Clock looked down at his new neighbour.  He introduced himself to Brian, and as politely as any Clock could, he invited Brian to use his Clock hands any time he needed.  What a stroke of luck, thought Brian.  And what a nice Clock.  Brian said thank you and, in return, said that he would offer to brighten Clark's day any time he needed a little bit of light in his life.

The End.