faking it.

Some thoughts from a month ago:

I have had many tedious filled days lately. For the last 3 months I have been cleaning bathrooms and bedrooms, washing dishes, serving, food, decorating trees, moping floors and more. Working at camp can be a pretty tedious venture. Though we all get to work in a great environment with amazing people, it is true that things can get frustrating at times.

I often will catch myself in a grumpy mood. "Oh, that lady needs another fork? What's wrong with the one she has?" or "Take off your muddy shoes before you come into the kitchen to dirty another cup with your 11th cup of coffee today!". Thoughts like these can often overwhelm me. I find myself criticizing anything and everything done by everyone else but myself. "Oh, if only they'd do it THIS way things would be a lot easier around here."

I imagine that a lot of people could relate to this. Most all of us have things in our lives that drain us at times, or friends that act in ways that make you want to take a that friendship and end it. I imagine that most people don't do anything about this. I mean, what can you do about an annoying person? Shoot them?

I think that most of us just put up with stuff like this. Actually, I think that the way we survive the days is by creating these little dialogs within our own heads. "They are so dumb." "I can't believe they did that."

These dialogs are like pills or something. Take one to numb the pain of frustration a little bit.

But the thing I've been thinking about is how these little day dreams are actually hurting me more than the other people. They may help me justify my feelings but in this way they only contribute to furthering the establishment of a false reality in my mind. These false realities embed themselves in my subconsciousness and, soon enough, they become what I believe to be truth. Let me explain if your patience would allow for a few more seconds of time.

This lady with the muddy shoes and dirty coffee cups is probably a very nice lady. She came to this camp to enjoy a weekend after a busy week at work or with the kids. Obviously, I don't know anything about her and all I can do is speculate. But the one thing I know she is not is a sneaky lady who roams around the province looking for camps to dirty their floors and cups. The problem is that its my job to clean up after her mess and I have chosen to clean it up, and in my mind I am justifying my feelings and thoughts about her with lies.

This is pretty simple stuff, but I think the breakthrough I've had recently is that I am only hurting myself with these lies that I tell myself, or Satan tells me, whichever you prefer. The key to this is the garbage dump that I am stocking up in my mind and heart. I have so much garbage in there and its all bagged and ready for any situation that I might want to "dump" on.

I am reminded of C.S. Lewis' book The Great Divorce. There is a part in there where Napoleon is in "Hell" still trying to figure out who is to blame for the mistakes his army made during his life. I shudder to think of what my thoughts might be like 40 years or so from now. Will I be sitting in a chair all day yelling at everyone around me (out loud or in my mind)? Wrapped up in my own thoughts and lies?

How long will all of our problems continue to be the fault of everyone else? I often think of how easy it is for me to choose good. When I choose good, evil loses and reality sets in, the real one, if you will. Reality is that we are all loved and that we all matter. Somebody cares for everyone. Choosing to reject the the lies is a choice for truth. I choose not to judge that person (out loud or in my mind) because I want to see them as they really are, not in my twistedness. It is in these moments that I can begin to see myself as I really am as well. Only in the light can I point out areas of darkness. If its complete darkness then how will I see anything true? Its scary to think how many of us are already so far down this road. So many of us continue to feed these thoughts. So many of us settle on to fake it because it gives us temporary satisfaction.

Why?

Finally, I don't think it's about smacking myself over the head and forcing myself to be good. Its about building a foundation for my thoughts and feelings. If it's forced, then how am I any better than I was before? No, its about a foundation of knowing that we are all special, as corny as that may sound I still believe that so many of us refuse to believe it. We are all loved. We may not know love. We may see love and experience love and not know what it is that makes it happen. I love my 2 sons in a way that is different in the way I love anyone else. I can't explain it, I can only tell other people to have kids because its great. But do I always believe that I am loved this way, the way that I love Miles and Jonas?

"No way. I've got better ideas. I've got lies that I can tell myself to make the day seem brighter and to make my lazy ways a little more credible." That's what I settle on much of the time.

That guy in the zip line

I am running the zip line at camp this fall.

So, the other day there's this guy...

We had a school group at the zipline and I was giving the safety talk; "this is the harness, that is the zip line, climb up over there, we're at the top to let you zip down, blah blah blah." The last thing I am always sure to remind them of is to not hang upside down in the harness. It doesn't go over the shoulders so going upside down, though most definitely still safe, is not 100% safe, and 100% is what we're all about at Camp. "Don't hang upside down!"

So, the guy...

The guy is actually the teacher supervisor for the school children. Well into his forties I had all the confidence in the world that he still had his hearing. He heard the rules. He was standing right beside me. So close that I noticed we both had the same pair of shoes.

You can see where this is going. After the kids are all through we usually give the teachers and parents a turn. So, up climbs "the guy". As we transfer him from the ladder to the line this dialog tumbles down...

"Hey, we were thinking that it would be funny to put the harness on backwards and zip down like Superman," he says.

Noticing that his harness is done up correctly and that he is just joking around I say, "Yeah, you could try that at a different camp."

We both chuckle and then he says, "yeah, like at a camp for people with mental problems."

After that comment I was all business. I just wanted to get this guy down the line, into the building for lunch, on the bus and back to the city. So, I hook him up and off he goes. Almost immediately he flips upside down, making "Wooo Whoooo" sounds as he goes. In the shock of the moment (breaking the rules and loving it) I stand there for a moment in silence. Then Curtis, who is working with me up there says, "Man, I hope he cans himself on the tire." The tire is the bumper that keeps the rider from smashing into the pole at the other end. After he says this I realize that I should start letting him down so that he slows up and doesn't hit the tire too hard. As I lower him he continues to pick up speed toward the tire, completely vertically upside down, and now with his legs spread open for some reason. Curtis and I brace for what could possibly be the best "tire hit" in the history of the Nakamun Zip line.

You can be sure that the words I type cannot express the experience of the moment. Curtis and I laughing it up as this guy smacks his crotch into the Goodyear! The best hit we've both seen. A guilty feeling of pure joy rises up in my chest. I smile as I wind the line back up for the next rider. The guy slowly walked back up the hill to return his trolley and harness. He didn't say anything to us about the hit because we all knew that it was his fault. He eventually got on that bus and we went away a funny story to tell.

Edmonton Folk Fest Review

Nestled behind the pyramids of the Muttart Conservatories lies a little place I (and others) like to call the sight of the Edmonton Folk Music Festival. The site is actually a ski hill and at times can feel a little uncomfortable on the backside, but after a while you get used to it and the view is actually pretty decent.

Though the side stages were pretty fun, the place to be in the evenings was at the main stage, or the big ski hill if you will. I only have time to tell you about the evenings... when the magic happens!

Thursday

Thursday Night gave us Kathleen Edwards. Our spot on the hill was perfect. We sat almost directly behind the big screen in the middle of the hill, but Kathleen made sure she stood near the left center side of the stage so that I could still see her out of the side of the big blue tarp draped over the screen. "Thanks, Kathleen! I'll give you a call sometime this week".


Miss. Edwards brought the sultry soaked sound of her voice for us this weekend. Her sets on the main and side stages were enjoyable, though she seemed to only play a few of my favorites. She belted out lovelies such as Cheapest Key, Asking For Flowers, and Six O'clock News on the main stage and then seemed to play them all over again the next day on the side stage. That might be my only complaint, along with that her set wasn't 6 hours long.

Steve Earle also played on Thursday night. Steve Earle is Steve Earle. He talked a lot of stuff about being from the South and having a lot of wives. I ignored most of the jabber. His music is pretty enjoyable and definitely belongs at the folk fest. The tribute to Townes is nice.

Apparently, Boz Scaggs played after Steve Earle. I don't know this guy at all and we wanted to get home to rest up for the next day. I also had to drop off Barbara and Jonas at the in-laws then drive across town to take the garbage out at the place we were house-sitting at, then drive an hour back to camp to work the next morning. Sorry Mr. Scaggs. Cool name.

Friday

Friday... the party started! The Wailers opened up the night concert. The Wailers, being a bunch of young people dancing around singing Bob Marley songs with Bob Marley's bass player. It was pretty awesome. All the hits, except for No Woman No Cry. That's okay because I have a woman and I still cry sometimes.

Next was Neko Case. She seems like a fun little lady. She had a friend on stage whose humor made me laugh inside and out. She referred to her tall and skinny band mates as a "sexy bag of golf clubs". That is something that I think is pretty funny.

I must pause here and say that both Kathleen Edwards and Neko Case have 2 of the best voices my ears have ever met. Soft, soothing... a great thing to listen to while sitting on a ski hill with 20 thousand other people. I'm not too familiar with most of Neko's stuff, just her contributions to the New Pornographer albums I own. Though after this night I will be sure to get my hands on a few more downloads.

Raul Malo played after Neko Case. His band was cool, with a South Beach Miami kind of sound, but I wasn't really into his voice. It was also nice to get home a little early to prepare for Saturday. We were pretty sure that they put these Malo/Scaggs types at the end of the evening so that people could go home a little earlier.

Saturday

Saturday was a great day. Miles came out during the day performances. It was fun to have him up on the hills. He liked dancing,smiling, slurping sugary lemonade, and meeting new people. He also had a great cowboy hat borrowed from one of the Ranch workers at Nakamun. Thanks, Heather!

We sent Miles home before the evening show so that he could go to bed. The evening was packed.

Johnny Flynn and the Sussex Wit were first up. Johnny is a 25 year old hot-stuff of a man and his band can really pull it all together. Lovely lyrics and a nice little Rufus/Buckley type voice. I am checking out his album A Larum right now!

Bring on Patty Griffin! It was nice to see her sing. A real professional, it seemed. Julie Edgely has a big crush on Patty and I could see why. Another great voice to enjoy.

Iron and Wine came on after Patty. Can it get any better than this Saturday night?! Sam Beam came out band-less but still great. He got Such Great Heights out of the way and kept on with a lot of lovely tunes. My favorite, Naked as We Came, was a highlight. His beard is great! I wasn't aware of it before but Sam was once a cinematographer and taught Film Studies at Miami College before his music took off. He also was writing songs for 7 years before he ever recorded anything. A successfully bearded man he is!

Rodney Crowell was pretty boring. Sorry fans, but when he started talking about imagining if his imaginary twin brother had imaginary HIV and that he wrote an actual song about it, I started to wonder what was going on. Was I still on the hill? Was I still me? What?

Top Highlight of the Festival:

Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings.



This was the night we would not go home early! After a classy introduction here the band warmed up and Sharon swiggled out onto the stage. "Swiggle" might not be a word, but I'm sorry, that's what she did! The dance crowd spilled out from the "dancing" section onto the whole hill. The spill actually went UP the hill! We were all on our feet for most of the show. Miss Sharon brought on a couple of funny dudes from the crowd to dance with and one freaky one. She took us through the evolution of the "shout dance" that apparently is a combination of her African and Native American roots.

It was simple energy. She danced and sang late into the night and about 45 minutes into the morning. We all went home happy. Some of our friends who volunteered at the festival got to meet Sharon later that night at a party. Lucky!

Sunday

Sunday was good, but it was no Saturday. There were some notable names playing in the evening but we decided to leave before then. We caught a small Jill Barber concert in the morning and then a free Pitcher of beer from our Auntie in the beer gardens (Thanks, Kathie!) before we headed up the hill to see Arrested Development (the band not the show) in the sunny afternoon. Miles danced and we all sang along. Some of the folks went up close to the stage to dance and they thought it was a good time. Speech and the gang sang all the hits and their new stuff wasn't that bad either.

Some other performers who were nice to hear throughout the weekend; Joel Plaskett, The Heritage Gospel Choir, Hang Gai from China, Fred Eaglesmith, Danny Michel, Ashley MacIssiac, and some of the Under 22 performers. One of them was overly dramatic and kind of silly to watch, which was also a highlight of entertainment.

That might be all I have to say about the music. The food seemed to be normally priced. You could even buy a can of soda pop for a dollar from the "Nut Man". The weather was too perfect. The friends and loved ones were plentiful. Thanks for the great weekend!

Jonas had a great time, too.